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Home > Here I go again. The sequel (warning Long)

Here I go again. The sequel (warning Long)

November 13th, 2006 at 02:30 pm

Wow, what a warm welcome! Thanks everyone for making me feel at home here. So I guess it is time for an update and some more information about the issues I am struggling with.
But first an update about my frugal voyage.

Saturday - Monday
Frugal Yeah!
(always start with the positive)
- got a free winter car check on saturday
- did my grocery shopping for the week and only spent 10 (I am seriously working my way through my stockpile)
- other than groceries, three no spend days
- had lunch and dinner at a friends house on sunday and got leftovers to take home with me

Frugal OH NO!
- the car's winter check reveiled some serious problems so after already three expensive problems in the past few months, so some more bills will come.

And now about my other debt. As I said in my bio I work at two jobs. One is with a regional government as a policy maker (the job I do not like), the other is as a researcher at a university (the job I love, but struggle with). My main job is at the regional government, I have worked there for five years and it is a job that controlls me and my time. I work form deadline to deadline, and for everything there is some kind of procedure, rule or regulation. Not much creativity asked for. And after five years I know I have this trick down. No anxiety issues just frustrations.

For two days out of my workweek I am assigned to the university to do research. I have a PhD allready so I am supposed to know what I am doing as a researcher. I love this job, and it was a great opportunity for me to be asked to join their team (temporarily for four years). But here is the kicker. I don't function at all at this job. I do not seem to know how to kick my butt into gear and start researching. So I have set this deadline for myself (and with my boss) that I will have a serious draft for an article ready in january before I leave on holiday. And I have not written a word yet. Do not even have a clear picture in my mind how the article will look like. Since I started working there a year ago I have made so many 'research avoiding movements' (ram) that I am getting to be really annoyed with myself. The thing is I know that it is part of my work style. I am like a chicken, I have to sit and brood before I can write, but this brooding thing has gone to far. I have calculated how many days since september last year I have effectively not worked and I calculated 48 days! all together. I consider that a serious debt to my boss. Don't ask me what I have done with my time I couldn't say, played games, surfed the net (how do you think I found you guys), stared out of the window etc.
Since I calculated my lost days I have started to work them off using my friday off day and weekends. I have since then worked an extra 8 days, but that is still 40 days left and last week was a really low point because I started adding to my debt again.

The stupid thing is, nobody knows, everybody is pleased with the work I am doing and is not suspious about the work I am not doing (guess I am a good actor). In the past these kind of situations have always worked out in the end, because I do function best when under stress. But I do not feel good under this stress I create myself, and I feel guilty as hell (probably my catholic upbringing, can't shake that).

So that's my big secret: I am a big fake! And probably simply lazy and undisciplined.
But because I hate to feel this way, I am always looking for ways to discipline myself, hence this blog.

So what do y'all think. Still want me here?

7 Responses to “Here I go again. The sequel (warning Long)”

  1. Ima saver Says:

    Sure we do!!

  2. janH Says:

    We all have our areas. Mine is housework. I am not dirty or even sloppy, I just procrastinate. I just love to do too many other things. It doesn't even take me much time to get things done, just getting started is my problem. I get too distracted with other things. So, yes, we do want you here. And don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe the job isn't a good fit for the things you really like to do.

  3. baselle Says:

    A little secret of mine: I felt the same way during my postdoc. And no one's kicked me out of here yet.Smile

  4. tinapbeana Says:

    i too am a procrastinator. "why do today what you can easily put off to tomorrow?" has actually had meaning in my life before Frown some might even say that this is what can cause some to end up in financial debt in the first place. i've found simply getting fed up with the way you're doing something can be a uge motivator to actually do it differently.

    at any rate, congrats are in order for the financially frugal days!

  5. miclason Says:

    hmmm....I used to feel the same way...and then one day my boss came to me and said: I need to talk to you about your work...and I thought: oh, he knows....and you know what he said?...he said that I was focusing too hard on the stuff that I wasn't doing, and that it was keeping me from seeing how much value I was really adding...he then gave me a task: for a full month, I had to come to his office at the end of the day and give him a list of all that I had accomplished that day, no matter how small....it really helped me!...
    At this job, sometimes I feel like I'm just passing time and not working, and then I take a deep breath and try to think of what I have accomplished...if the answer is "nothing"...believe me, that is enough for me to start working on something to put on the list! ...which reminds me...I should go input some more post-trips, as all I have done so far today is read blogs! :Blush:

  6. fern Says:

    It sounds like you do not work well in an unstructured environment. So carve your day up in several components that you can live with and still get something productive done.
    Say 9-11 am: Seriously work on your draft.
    11-Noon: Fun time surfing online
    Noon - 1 p.m. Lunch
    Carve up your day into more easily managed blocks of time. Then you should see some improvement.

  7. Lau Says:

    Ahah.. Tina - I'm the same "Why do today..etc.". So I put a Post-It up on my desk saying "Do it today... You won't have to do it tomorrow" to get me motivated. It sort of almost worked... sometimes!

    And Dutch Girl... do not worry about this too much! I do the same here. I spend a few hours every day doing something totally unrealated to my work. Why don't I feel bad about it? Cause I'm good at my job, and when I actually do it, I put 100% into it. From what you've said, you're a bit similar.

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